Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize