I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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