i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
