he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
