I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
