I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
