Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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