i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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