so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
