member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
