Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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