I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize