I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize