I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
