the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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