i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
