Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
