hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
