Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
