so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
