i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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