I queefed so loud it echoed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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