Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
