so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
