you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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