I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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