I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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