she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
