guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
