sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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