I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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