Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
