Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
