my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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