I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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