Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
