we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
