he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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