I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
