i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
