College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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