I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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