Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
