If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
