I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
