So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
