I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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