the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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