i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
