I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
