I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
