I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
