Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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