Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
