I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
