You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
