Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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