brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
